Another Journal Entry from July 2014

Divorce, Murder, Suicide-what do they all have in common? Pain, death. 

Divorce is the finalization of the death, like the obituary or death certificate. The illness begins long before that; and if not properly treated, it leads to death (divorce). Pain is inflicted along the way and culminates in more pain at the end. 

Murder is death. Pain is also involved; it's different but still present. The pain there is for those left behind.  The ones wondering why; the ones left to deal with the situation and try to move on. 

Murder is a way to avoid divorce though. 

Suicide is also death. It's a way of escape for the one contemplating it. It's the last option. It's when hope is gone; when life doesn't feel worth living. Yes, there is pain involved there, too. Temporary physical pain is possible for the one involved but long term pain and possibly guilt and anguish for those left behind. The "what ifs" and the "whys" can torment those left behind as they try to process what happened and if they were responsible. 

Journal entry from July 2014

I wish I were there! Perhaps it would give me a chance to stop and figure out myself. When I lived in Pensacola, I used to go to the beach at night when I would feel like this. The strength yet calmness of the beach would sometimes soothe me. Sometimes just being able to do something outside of the norm was what was needed and the beach would work for that, too. 

Sometimes it wasn't enough though! Sometimes I needed a way to release my emotions. Wrestling is a good way to be able to finally break. Maybe that's what I need now, a wrestling match. I never win the match; I'm always shown that I'm not the strongest. I think that's good for me to be shown that I'm not the strongest. So often in life I feel like I have to be the strong one. That becomes very demanding and very draining. It's become such a way of life to me that I struggle with showing any sign of weakness. 

I'm so confused! It makes no sense to my logical brain why I want to be dominated, controlled, broken. NONE! Since I don't know how to think emotionally, I may never figure it out which is disheartening. That makes me not want to even try. 

By the way, that's who I am. If you put something before me that I don't think I can succeed at or will be good at, I just won't try. 

Seven Days of Thankfulness

Day 1

Today I am thankful for books. Books are a source of relaxation, enjoyment, escape, and pleasure to me. Books are also for knowledge and growth. 

Day 2 

As my electricity flickers this morning, I am reminded to be thankful for it. I so often forget to be thankful for the modern conveniences that I have in the US, that other countries don't have. 

Day 3

Today I am thankful for brothers, both my blood brothers, Scott and Lynn, and my adopted brothers, Jason and Larado. I am thankful for Lynn's perception to see beyond the surface. I'm thankful for the way he will be there if I really need him. I'm so proud of the Dad he is! 

I am thankful for Scott's position as my older half brother. I'm thankful for his laid back personality and the way he's like my dad. 

I'm thankful for my little sidekick, Jason. He and I were best buds through my teenage years. I'm so thankful that he finally got back in touch with me after years of MIA. 

Finally, I'm thankful for my adopted older brother who picked me. I'm thankful for his patience and endurance with me. I'm grateful for the examples he shows me of compassion and grace. I'm thankful he's the opposite of harsh and judgmental. 

Day 4

Today I am thankful for music. It has the ability to help me express my feelings. It has the ability to stabilize my mood. It allows me to cry out to God. 

Day 5

Today I am thankful for good friends who check on you and care about you. Those good friends will speak truth to you but also sit in silence with you. A truly great friend will walk through the situations with you, being by your side. It is someone you can call no matter what. 

Day 6

Today's item that I will mention that I'm thankful for is mentors. I am very grateful for those in my life who have mentored me as a teenager, young adult, and now. Their impact has been enormous. 

Day 7

Today I am thankful for fall and spring. They are such beautiful seasons. They showcase the beauty God has created. His creativity is displayed! The change in weather is also appreciated. 

Journal entry from August 2014

My heart is breaking. Today I will say goodbye to someone who sees in me what I don't see in myself. My encourager, my refuge at work finishes and leaves today. It hurts. His leaving will leave a gap in my life. He's helped me grow; I appreciate that. His mannerisms remind me of my dad; I will miss that. He was the calm in the midst of a normally chaotic day. I'm scared that I'm going to have to be that and I'm not sure I can. I'm really struggling with knowing I have to say goodbye. 

More than a boss, Leon touched my life by caring, by listening, by advising. One lesson learned that I need to remember is once I've done the best I can each day, don't regret it, don't feel guilty and stressed about what didn't get done. Just keep doing my best. It won't always be enough but it will be what I can do. I need to realize that I have to look out for me, too. He's talked to me about that but I really struggle with that. I gain my self-worth and importance and confidence from my job which means I spend too much time there so I will feel those things and satisfaction. 

I work well with Leon and I respect him and trust him. I appreciate how he always used “we” instead of you when a task needed done. Teamwork was important to him. 

Man Flu

Journal entry from July 6, 2014

Came across this pic today. 
I tried babying my husband when we first got married. Learned quickly that it just prolongs his illness. Now I have a reputation of no sympathy but he created it. 

Have a headache today. Dragged myself out of bed this morning. Went to church at FBCL this morning. Had communion. This is the second Sunday in a row, 2 different churches. Went to SS too. Been weak all day. Took a super long nap. Watching my favorite tv show-NCIS. Was supposed to do some work this weekend but haven't yet. Oh, well. Don't like the church hunt. Had a hard time talking myself into going today. Need this to stop but don't want to choose and make a wrong decision. 

I do believe that life in the past 8 years have taught me about religion and caused me to lose my faith. I identify with most of the items in the left column. Very sad what my faith has become. Of course, that leads to guilt which takes me down that same path. 

Strong

This pic is so me! I need a strong man because I'm a strong woman. It gets annoying that men think I have an attitude. I don't have an attitude (most if the time) I have an opinion and a voice and I deserve to be heard. It's when I'm treated like I don't have an opinion and a voice that an attitude develops. A strong man knows how to liberate my voice and hear my opinion and steer me. No, I'm not just referring to the male spouse. I'd prefer that All males in my life be strong. If I can push you around, I'll still like you but respecting you is difficult. Also, please don't be a wimp! Yes, I know you'll be ill sometimes and even get injured sometimes. Okay, it can hurt, you can feel bad, just don't prolong it. It's not manly! You should always be stronger and tougher than me and have more endurance! I should never think, "Man up."