Sunday, November 8, 2015

Journal entry from July 2014

I wish I were there! Perhaps it would give me a chance to stop and figure out myself. When I lived in Pensacola, I used to go to the beach at night when I would feel like this. The strength yet calmness of the beach would sometimes soothe me. Sometimes just being able to do something outside of the norm was what was needed and the beach would work for that, too. 
Sometimes it wasn't enough though! Sometimes I needed a way to release my emotions. Wrestling is a good way to be able to finally break. Maybe that's what I need now, a wrestling match. I never win the match; I'm always shown that I'm not the strongest. I think that's good for me to be shown that I'm not the strongest. So often in life I feel like I have to be the strong one. That becomes very demanding and very draining. It's become such a way of life to me that I struggle with showing any sign of weakness. 

I'm so confused! It makes no sense to my logical brain why I want to be dominated, controlled, broken. NONE! Since I don't know how to think emotionally, I may never figure it out which is disheartening. That makes me not want to even try. 

By the way, that's who I am. If you put something before me that I don't think I can succeed at or will be good at, I just won't try. 

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