Saturday, February 21, 2015

Journal entry from August 2014

My heart is breaking. Today I will say goodbye to someone who sees in me what I don't see in myself. My encourager, my refuge at work finishes and leaves today. It hurts. His leaving will leave a gap in my life. He's helped me grow; I appreciate that. His mannerisms remind me of my dad; I will miss that. He was the calm in the midst of a normally chaotic day. I'm scared that I'm going to have to be that and I'm not sure I can. I'm really struggling with knowing I have to say goodbye. 

More than a boss, Leon touched my life by caring, by listening, by advising. One lesson learned that I need to remember is once I've done the best I can each day, don't regret it, don't feel guilty and stressed about what didn't get done. Just keep doing my best. It won't always be enough but it will be what I can do. I need to realize that I have to look out for me, too. He's talked to me about that but I really struggle with that. I gain my self-worth and importance and confidence from my job which means I spend too much time there so I will feel those things and satisfaction. 

I work well with Leon and I respect him and trust him. I appreciate how he always used “we” instead of you when a task needed done. Teamwork was important to him. 


Man Flu

Journal entry from July 6, 2014


Came across this pic today. 
I tried babying my husband when we first got married. Learned quickly that it just prolongs his illness. Now I have a reputation of no sympathy but he created it. 

Have a headache today. Dragged myself out of bed this morning. Went to church at FBCL this morning. Had communion. This is the second Sunday in a row, 2 different churches. Went to SS too. Been weak all day. Took a super long nap. Watching my favorite tv show-NCIS. Was supposed to do some work this weekend but haven't yet. Oh, well. Don't like the church hunt. Had a hard time talking myself into going today. Need this to stop but don't want to choose and make a wrong decision. 



Saturday, August 2, 2014

I do believe that life in the past 8 years have taught me about religion and caused me to lose my faith. I identify with most of the items in the left column. Very sad what my faith has become. Of course, that leads to guilt which takes me down that same path. 

Strong

This pic is so me! I need a strong man because I'm a strong woman. It gets annoying that men think I have an attitude. I don't have an attitude (most if the time) I have an opinion and a voice and I deserve to be heard. It's when I'm treated like I don't have an opinion and a voice that an attitude develops. A strong man knows how to liberate my voice and hear my opinion and steer me. No, I'm not just referring to the male spouse. I'd prefer that All males in my life be strong. If I can push you around, I'll still like you but respecting you is difficult. Also, please don't be a wimp! Yes, I know you'll be ill sometimes and even get injured sometimes. Okay, it can hurt, you can feel bad, just don't prolong it. It's not manly! You should always be stronger and tougher than me and have more endurance! I should never think, "Man up."

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Music - the Language of My Soul

Remembering back to my childhood, raised on Southern Gospel music such as the Cathedrals and Gold City, music is embedded in me. I loved to play make-believe! One favorite memory from my years of playing make believe is singing with those groups. I used to turn the music up and sing along while pretending I was on stage with them or my own group.

Music was, and still is, a way to learn about God and express my love, gratitude, joy about Him and to Him. I have always loved to sing! Because of my passion for music and for God, I would have so enjoyed pursuing the ability of sharing that love and passion with others. However, that dream/desire was crushed with words from an adult who said that it wasn't even worth the money to pay for me to have voice lessons.

Fast-forward 20-25 years to today and you will find that it took a very long time for me to feel comfortable enough to sing aloud in congregational singing with just my husband. It took even longer to attempt to sing in choir, always fearful that someone would hear and comment about why I am in choir with an awful voice like that. The only place it didn't bother me to sing was with my school children. I so loved praising Jesus with my classroom full of kids. I knew they didn't care what I sounded like; just like God doesn't care what I sound like.

Yes, I sing in the choir. Most of the time I'm not scared or nervous anymore. However, there is a new GIANT to slay because I am part of a trio at my church. SCARED TO DEATH!!! I get up to sing and can't breathe I am so frightened. Now, before your thoughts get away from you, my only purpose for singing is to tell others about my Lord. I don't sing so people will think I am special; far cry from it!!! I just want to share with others about my Jesus.

Will I slay my GIANT? That is an unknown right now. I do know that I will keep working on it. I don't want that voice in my head and heart to win. PLEASE be careful and thoughtful of what you say to the children you influence! Your words have the ability to shape them or break them for the rest of their lives. Also, please remember that each person you meet has one or more burdens they bare and battles they fight. Encourage them! Help them! Rejoice with them! Pray with them! Cry with them! That is what the Bible implores us to do.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Silent

It's been a long while since I've posted. I like to say I've gone dark. The truth is I'm a very private person and I find it hard to express and share my thoughts and feelings. However, it's not due to a lack of thoughts or feelings. Quite the contrary, my mind is always going and it seems to be going with different threads of thoughts frequently. I've also recently realized that I'm a very sensitive soul with very deep emotions. I just don't know how to express them. 

Regarding my fibromyalgia, this year of discovered how very important sleep is! If I get 8-9 hours of sleep each night, my flares happen less often. Yay! Speaking of sleep, I need to work on shutting off my brain and going to sleep. Good night!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Dealing with the Aftereffects of an Accident 10.23.10

If you have fibromyalgia, this blog should make sense to you; and perhaps, astound you. Early in the morning on Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2010, a vehicle turned into my lane of traffic causing me to T bone them and total our Ford Explorer. My husband and I were transported to the hospital via ambulance, checked out, given prescriptions to fill, and released to go home. My husband went to fill his meds-pain killers, anti-inflammatories, and muscle relaxers. I chose not to fill mine; instead, I chose to increase my amount of Zija smart mix with its natural-occurring 36 anti-inflammatories. I knew that the next few days would be tough because of the increase in stress and the trauma from the accident. I chose not to work for the next two days (after seeking advice from those I trusted) in order to allow my body to rest and start to recover. The next few days were difficult but I continued to take my smart mix. As the smart mix continued to work, I started to feel better. I went back to work Monday-it probably was too soon but I have always been one who just pushes through. I have always been determined that I wasn't going to let a condition control my life. Now it has been a little over a month since the accident, and I am doing great. I can't even tell that I was in an accident. My husband, on the other hand, is still taking pain killers, anti-inflammatories, and muscle relaxers. I am the one with fibromyalgia, but I am the one whose body has recovered. All I have to say is-there is power in proper nutrition!